Recently somebody (K Rock )said I was "so Cali" because of a song. The first song actually. That cracked me up! I guess I am Cali. I think Too Short's music slaps. I throw up West side as needed, and if necessary I will Crip walk on you! LOL! Here's a few joints that are decidedly Cali and specifically Bay! Yeeeee( bay yell) See how I got all Bay on y'all. LOL!
I think today is going to suck! I have tried to put on a brave face, but every time I think about it I feel all panicky and sad. I mentioned that getting through the holidays was rough and it was, but as Valentine's Day approached I've gotten more and more anxious.
I don't want to hang out with friends, I don't want to hang out with my sister, and I don't want to hang out with some dude I just met. V-day is special. It always has been to me. I like dressing in red, be it a red dress, a red blouse or a pop of red from my shoes. I always wear something red on that day. I liked waiting for what the day would bring. I like going to dinner at a nice restaurant and being out with all the other couples in love. I like shopping for lingerie. I like the attention. So yeah this Valentine's Day is going to suck! NOT! LOL!
HAPPY STORY ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One of the best Valentine's Day I ever had started with theCaptain bringing me gifts to my job. I'm at work minding my own business, working. We had already spoken earlier that morning and I was seeing him that night. So around 10:00 am he called me again and said come outside. I was like okay. I came out, looked around and didn't see anything. Then I hear the roar of his work truck as it was coming around the corner. I look and he is hanging off the side of the truck with my flowers in one hand andhanging on with the other. He jumps off the truck before it comes to a complete stop grinning and all pleased with himself.
He starts walking toward me in his work uniform, all fresh cut, shaved looking and smelling so good! He really surprised me! I could not stop smiling and laughing and clapping like a dang seal.
I wish this seal was smiling. LOL!
As he is walking up to me... I ran up to him and hugged and hugged him and then we kissed. It was so romantic and special. Very "Officer and a Gentleman." and Pretty Womanish
I saw these movies and have been in love with the final scenes ever since. I'm not sure if we saw them together, but I was shocked that he fulfilled this secret fantasy for me. He brought flowers, a teddy bear, candy and a card. That V-day we didn't go out to a restaurant. I wanted to cook for him! He had spent so much, and had made my LIFE!!! at the time. I even told him, "you made my life today!"
That Valentine's Day will always be a very special memory for me. With a little tiny bit of sadness in my heart, I am also smiling at the memory as I type this.
But with faith I hold on to the FACT that my love for this day will not be in vain. I WILL be able to share another Happy Valentine's Day story. P.S. This is my last woe is me story about THIS!
I wish all of you a Very Happy Valentine's Day : )
This post contains 3 different posts that I wrote regarding my break up with theCaptain. We broke up after ANOTHER stupid argument which involved his family this time. To say I can't stand some of them is an understatement! If you care to look back at any of my old posts regarding him you can tell that our relationship was a hot mess. Up and down, back and forth, a real roller coaster. I initially started this blog to chronicle the ridiculousness.
Everytime I wrote a post and thought about posting it. I felt this overwhelming sadness and I couldn't breathe for a minute. Then the tears.
What really started to get to me was seeing other successful relationships around me and mine being successful one day and unsuccessful for 3 days, a week, 3 weeks etc. I just got tired of fighting.
I don't want to bash him because he was FUN!! When we weren't fighting we had a ball together. And I really love this man. I realized where I made my mistake with him. I would act really childish when he mademe mad. The silent treatment is not effective in wanting to change someones behavior unless you're married and cohabiting! At least it didn't work for me. Okay it did work at first but it's effectiveness wears off.
Post One:
As painful as this has been I didn’t want to dedicate a whole post to it. Then I felt that adding it to a TT was not compassionate enough. There won’t be anymore theCaptain posts because we broke up for good in October. There I said it! Whew that was hard! We had been sort of ending since Sept. To keep it all the way real with ya’ll he is not husband material right now. He will probably make a woman really happy one day, and has the potential to be but... Oh yeah AND his family is crazy! the only bash.
Bad idea: trying to force something that doesn’t fit
and even a tumblr on his blog said Never settle for less than you deserve
all of these where on the same day in the same week we were breaking up. I mean really! Don
That’s why I need a new blog name! My blog name became really apropos *sad, sad, sad face*
:(((((((( And I don't need the constant reminder…
Post Two:
Him: So you really mad at me huh?
Me: It’s more than mad I’m just tired.
Him: tired of what??
Me: THIS! I want more than this!
Him: Man you trippin“THIS” is cool to me?!?
Me: Exactly “THIS” is cool to you
Him: What???
Me: *sigh*
Him: I thought I came over here to talk?
Me: Then talk!
Him: *glares at me*
Me: I’m not good with this stuff. I love you but I don’t want to do this anymore
Him: silence
Me: silence *tears*
Him: Ah hell you breakin up WITH ME????
Me: *more tears* I never responded
There was more but you get the gist. When he left we were semi-broken up. But to keep it all the way real he tried a little. He brought stuff by, he called me, I called him, we went to the movies, and out for a walk, out to eat and.... well you know.
It just no longer felt right. He told me if he was ready to get married it would be me. I think if he wanted me he wouldn't let me go and if marrying me was what it took... *Sigh* But then who wants that?? I want a man to want to marry me, ask me, and give me this.
Post Three:
Pain: We finally broke up, parted ways, ended. This relationship has been so toxic and I can’t ignore this fact anymore.
Fear: Whose gonna love me now???? Lots of tears here really afraid that I will be alone forever with no one to love me.
Discouragement: I gave sooo much to this relationship! I was done, He was the ONE (for me?) or so I thought?
Disappointment: Alone again? I have to start this process over again with another man?!? Why can't I just find one or one find me, that just loves me??
TheCaptains birthday is this week and as usual he is going to work since it's on a weekday. He refuses to ever take off work for anything! He has to be near death not to go to work. LOL!
I want to make him a special dinner or convince him to let me take him to dinner. I plan to call him a bunch of times throughout the day until he says yes to dinner out. His favorite restaurant is my favorite.
I bought him these Dolce & Gabbana casual shoes he saw while I was on Bluefly.com. It will be a surprise because all he said was those are nice when I asked him what he thought of them.
I mentioned before he drinks Hennessy so I also bought him a bottle of Hennessy Black. I don't know what this tastes like. I may be exchanging this. Can you exchange liquor?
side note: I noticed it's a lot of cancer men celebrating birthdays around here. If you have one, what is his best/worst quality? For those of you with men of different signs feel free to state the sign and best/worst qualities.
I'll start. theCaptain is a Cancer. He is too funny! He makes me laugh like no one else can. We can talk for hours about nothing and everything and he can be very sweet. He also makes me feel safe.
On the other hand he is moody as hell, and can be selfish. He's not perfect but I love him!
TheCaptain is going through a crisis right now and I don't know how to help him. I'm trying to be here for him, but he lashed out at me. I know his anger is not directed toward me but at the situation but it makes it hard to keep being nice to him because I'm sensitive. Also, I always want to fix things!!!!
I know this situation is really affecting him because he was drinking in the am. That's a first! He does the occasional Henny and he drinks beer, but to be drunk in the morning? I'm a little afraid and I don't know what to do? How do you be there when your significant other has a problem that you can't fix?
So me and theCaptain had a huge argument last week. It started face to face, continued via text and ended on the telephone. Long argument! Somethings that I said were hurtful, and now he is sooooooo mad at me. So he's doing me like I do him, ignoring me! I don't like it and I can't take it!!!!!
I think we should break up, but I don't want to break up! I was listening to Mary J. Blige's song "We got hood love" and I watched the video. Why am I in a hood relationship? I'm not hood! But he is. So I guess we hood. LOL!
Update: I had to call and text a few times, but he FINALLY called on Sunday and made up with me. My heart smiled. : )
Baskin Robbins Pralines and Cream Ice Cream and Vanilla Cake SweetHeart Cake
Ice cream and cake and cake
Ice cream and cake do the Ice cream and cake. (click link then holiday to see)Yum
Card. Sweet
and this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DKNY Be Delicious Fresh Blossom Yummy!!!!
DKNY Be Delicious Fresh Blossom is a radiant new fragrance that marries freshness, vibrancy, and femininity. A blend of sparkling grapefruit, cassis, and sunkissed apricot meets a blooming floral heart of sheer muguet and petally rose wrapped in luminous jasmine. A base of juicy apple, mingled with lingering blond woods and smooth skin accord, completes the irresistibly sensual experience of the essence.
Notes: Grapefruit, Cassis, Apricot, Muguet, Rose, Jasmine, Apple, Blond Woods, Smooth Skin Accord.
I was thinking about theCaptain today... and I had some random thoughts about him that I want to clarify.
I have checked out out quite a few blogs and the women all have made up names for their signif others. I have read about Mr. 1969, Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Incredible, Mr Darling, The Count, The Boy, Vh1. just to name a few.
I thought about why I named theCaptain theCaptain. I was thinking my blog fam and lurkers might think it was from E-40's Captain Save A Hoe. **Absolutely NOT!!! in Frankie voice**
To me theCaptain is soooo old school, He is the first beats of Al Greens Love an Happiness **shout out to Don**, an old OJays song and I named him based on this old skool song by Lakeside called Fantastic Voyage. Thanks mom for introducing me to good soul music.
And the beat is so Funky ass Funky *shout out to slaus at OHN*
The lyrics to the song are I'm theCaptain of this vessel, we wanna take you on a cruise...
Were the directors of this cruiseship and you are under our command...
and this is what I hear **I'm theCaptain of this vessel and you are under my command** I know I know crazy
I feel like this ALL THE DAMN TIME just out of control and under his command. But when it is GOOD. Damn it is a fuggin Fantastic Voyage. I know this post is totally out of left field but I mentioned theCaptain to my friend and she immediately went to save-a-hoe. *side eye* on that ish. Is you trying to call Moi a hoe on the sly. Yes, my educated azz said is you LOL!
Him: What's up?
Me: Nothing
Him: I've been calling you
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah
Me: Oh
Him: Urgency So what's up, what's going on, what's up?!
Me: Huh? Nothing I didn't know. How?
Him: Your cellphone
Me: Oh it's dead I'm getting a new one.
Him: Oh I thought something was wrong.
Me: Nope Yep
Him: I'm about to start work now. I called earlier so we could talk
Me: Oh, well call me later. Earlierthanthis???
Him: Okay (joy in voice.)
Me: Bye
So I have not blogged about the Captain in quite awhile. It's been so up and down lately I guess I don't know where to start. I decided in the new year that I was going to try to understand him more, stop tripping on him so much, and really have a grown-up relationship. All of that is hard to do by yourself. He did something so foul to me last week, that it had me crying to my friend while we were exercising. I felt bad after our walk for laying all that stress and drama on her, only too except his apology the next day and try to move on from it. I am still mad/sad but I am also tired of being at war and battling with him. I know our relationship is nearing it's end. But as Don and said in one of his past blogs. Shout out to L-boogie too! "I'll let go when he let's go too..." Excellent Don!
P.S. and if he did not resemble this I'm sure I would have thrown in the towel LONG ago!
So I have not heard from him since Friday. Of course I'm not calling! He said some mean shyt to me. Mind you I said some mean shyt first and back to him. But I am still more hurt I think. I am curious to know the outcome of all this. I have been a praying fool. I need prayer just to get through the day. I mostly pray for peace and strength. Peace so my imagination won't go crazy and strength for my heart. Why do people hurt people they say they love? He said he loved me even while we were fighting. Why can't I believe him anymore? What does love mean to him? I wish I knew!
So he surprised me. He digested his earful quicker than I thought. He called all bright and early at 7am wanting to know what's going on. Ni**a you know. You know you trying to take me through some boolshyt that I ain't trying to go through. I'm so mad right now! That fool had me crying on the phone and I hate appearing weak. Let the games begin. he is going to have to do some REAL SHYT to get his spot back! He knows I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo pissed off and hurt right now. We were arguing like some hot headed nuts. All loud an ignorant. At least I was still at home. He all at work showing his ass like that. I am so damn mad!!!!!! F**K Him!!!!
So I left a message on his phone. I know that was a coward move but I needed to say everything I needed to say without interruption or getting tongue tied. So I cleared my conscious and said everything I needed to say. I actually feel better. Nobody likes to be played for a fool. So I already know he is NOT going to be talking to me until he digests his ear full.
So we went on the date. I already knew before we left that it was not going to be a good day. I have been having issue with him not respecting my time. I believe if you tell someone you are going to do something you should do it. Anyway he was late and that just irked me because we have not been in a good place. So we walked around some local spots went to a few stores ate some food. But as I said it just did not feel right. It was really hot on Saturday so trying to stay hydrated and enjoy the day was a challenge in it self. We both get attitudes when it's hot!
So now we are at a cross road. Me trying not to react like I normally do and break up with him. We have done this so many times. But this is my last year! I am firm about that. I decided that 2008 would be the last year that I give of my time, my space, my kindness, my body etc. to this situation.
I will have truly and completely given and said all that I can. Part of me is sad because I struggle with when did I become this chick. I used to be really confident and would not take ish from anybody. But I guess in my journey and as I continued to end back up at the beginning of THIS. I became weak and now I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I have wasted all this time and may end up alone because I never let go of the past.
I told him that I know him and I know how he is. I was choosing to be involved with him again. But nobody wants to be mistreated. I felt him slipping away(acting different) after the issue a few weeks back.
I HATE that I love this man. Part of the problem is that I am too intuitive and I KNOW when he is acting a FOOL.
So after being jacked up all day from HIS morning conversation. I decided we have to talk. I know men hate when you say we need to TALK. So on my date on Saturday (yeah I'm still going) I going to just start talking. I need to tell him how I feel well mostly how I express love So maybe if he has a clear understanding of where I'm coming from we can move forward or not. I think I need to put some sort of deadline to this madness. How long will I ride this particular roller coaster? Cause that's what it feels like. Do I want to get off this ride? Should I want to get off this ride? Will it ever be more than just a ride?
So I called the CAPTAIN this morning we like to do this good morning thing that we kinda got away from because of the Mayassacre. I miss my good morning boo ish. Anyway we start having this discussion about Barack YES WE CAN Obama. Yea!!!!!! and his wife Michelle's relationship. I was so juiced when I saw her give him dapp before his speech on Tuesday.
Anyways we were talking about the love and how HE admires their relationship and what not and I was impressed that somebody else was vibing off the "Black Love" and then he says some ish that just shook me. So after all this time I'm starting to think we are on different paths. I have explained in earlier posts how I LOVE LOVE LOVE this man,( or maybe I haven't but I mean too!) and I am trying to show him but I guess I really shook him with the no talking thing. So he has really taken some steps back from me. I so feel it in his conversation with the things he says to me. I've been shook all day.
P.S still enjoy the example of "BLACK LOVE" at 0:53
So I put his name in and this is what it said. This ish is so accurate it's scary I'm gonna text him and let him read. For all intent and purposes I will now refer to him as the Captain!
What Him Means
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You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings.
You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun.
Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them.
You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.
You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.
You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.
You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.
People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.
So he came to see me at work yesterday at lunch time! I love it when he does that! He looked very handsome. New haircut and shave. He's taking me out on Saturday. He knows we have a lot of catching up to do. May was really messed up for us. All the not talking and what not. I hate to fight with him. I feel so forlorn it's ridiculous. I really love this man and have such hope in my heart today for us. But you already know something is going to happen and I will be blogplaining about it soon. Oh well all is well for now.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
So he called on Sunday after my rant at 6:30pm. It changed EVERYTHING! I realized then that I am a loonatic. I will elaborate more later.
