The fight

So me and theCaptain had a huge argument last week. It started face to face, continued via text and ended on the telephone. Long argument! Somethings that I said were hurtful, and now he is sooooooo mad at me.  So he's doing me like I do him, ignoring me! I don't like it and I can't take it!!!!!
I think we should break up, but I don't want to break up! I was listening to Mary J. Blige's song "We got hood love" and I watched the video. Why am I in a hood relationship? I'm not hood! But he is. So I guess we hood. LOL!

Update: I had to call and text a few times, but he FINALLY called on Sunday and made up with me. My heart smiled. : )

This Ni**a Part 7

Umm Why??????????????????????????????????????

So He comes by unannounced. You trying to catch me doing something?

No phone call WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????

I looked a mess. Umph! scarf, sweats, baggy t-shirt, no make-up

We have not been talking. Much

He is so crazy!! Or is it me? I think its me!

Then he calls me a liar because he didn't believe who I told him fixed my car. A liar Really! But I asked you to do it first!

Today I hate him!

Why?????????????????

Early this morning on the house phone

Him: What's up?
Me: Nothing
Him: I've been calling you
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah
Me: Oh
Him: Urgency So what's up, what's going on, what's up?!
Me: Huh? Nothing  I didn't know. How?
Him: Your cellphone
Me: Oh it's dead I'm getting a new one.
Him: Oh I thought something was wrong.
Me: Nope Yep
Him: I'm about to start work now. I called earlier so we could talk
Me: Oh, well call me later. Earlier than this???
Him: Okay (joy in voice.)
Me: Bye

WTF!!!!!!

TheCaptain

So I have not blogged about the Captain in quite awhile. It's been so up and down lately I guess I don't know where to start. I decided in the new year that I was going to try to understand him more, stop tripping on him so much, and really have a grown-up relationship. All of that is hard to do by yourself. He did something so foul to me last week, that it had me crying to my friend while we were exercising. I felt bad after our walk for laying all that stress and drama on her, only too except his apology the next day and try to move on from it. I am still mad/sad but I am also tired of being at war and battling with him. I know our relationship is nearing it's end. But as Don and said in one of his past blogs. Shout out to L-boogie too! "I'll let go when he let's go too..." Excellent Don!

P.S. and if he did not resemble this I'm sure I would have thrown in the towel LONG ago!

                                                                  Tyson Beckford Bing image

Procrastination

I really like this blog. I read other people's blogs daily and wish I could write my thoughts down daily like that. Maybe in 2010 I can get more regular. Oh and seriously I am officially crazy. I stopped with the captain for 3 months but I miss the shit out of him. He broke down and called me the day before Thanksgiving. That surprised me. We have been talking every since. Oh well

The Stand off! con'td

So I have not heard from him since Friday. Of course I'm not calling! He said some mean shyt to me. Mind you I said some mean shyt first and back to him. But I am still more hurt I think. I am curious to know the outcome of all this. I have been a praying fool. I need prayer just to get through the day. I mostly pray for peace and strength. Peace so my imagination won't go crazy and strength for my heart. Why do people hurt people they say they love? He said he loved me even while we were fighting. Why can't I believe him anymore? What does love mean to him? I wish I knew!

The Standoff part 2

So he surprised me. He digested his earful quicker than I thought. He called all bright and early at 7am wanting to know what's going on. Ni**a you know. You know you trying to take me through some boolshyt that I ain't trying to go through. I'm so mad right now! That fool had me crying on the phone and I hate appearing weak. Let the games begin. he is going to have to do some REAL SHYT to get his spot back! He knows I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo pissed off and hurt right now. We were arguing like some hot headed nuts. All loud an ignorant. At least I was still at home. He all at work showing his ass like that. I am so damn mad!!!!!! F**K Him!!!!

The Stand off!

So I left a message on his phone. I know that was a coward move but I needed to say everything I needed to say without interruption or getting tongue tied. So I cleared my conscious and said everything I needed to say. I actually feel better. Nobody likes to be played for a fool. So I already know he is NOT going to be talking to me until he digests his ear full.

This Ni**a part 6 (Stop making a FOOL of me!)

So we went on the date. I already knew before we left that it was not going to be a good day. I have been having issue with him not respecting my time. I believe if you tell someone you are going to do something you should do it. Anyway he was late and that just irked me because we have not been in a good place. So we walked around some local spots went to a few stores ate some food. But as I said it just did not feel right. It was really hot on Saturday so trying to stay hydrated and enjoy the day was a challenge in it self. We both get attitudes when it's hot!

So now we are at a cross road. Me trying not to react like I normally do and break up with him. We have done this so many times. But this is my last year! I am firm about that. I decided that 2008 would be the last year that I give of my time, my space, my kindness, my body etc. to this situation.

I will have truly and completely given and said all that I can. Part of me is sad because I struggle with when did I become this chick. I used to be really confident and would not take ish from anybody. But I guess in my journey and as I continued to end back up at the beginning of THIS. I became weak and now I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I have wasted all this time and may end up alone because I never let go of the past.

I told him that I know him and I know how he is. I was choosing to be involved with him again. But nobody wants to be mistreated. I felt him slipping away(acting different) after the issue a few weeks back.

I HATE that I love this man. Part of the problem is that I am too intuitive and I KNOW when he is acting a FOOL.

cont'd This Ni**a part 5

So after being jacked up all day from HIS morning conversation. I decided we have to talk. I know men hate when you say we need to TALK. So on my date on Saturday (yeah I'm still going) I going to just start talking. I need to tell him how I feel well mostly how I express love So maybe if he has a clear understanding of where I'm coming from we can move forward or not. I think I need to put some sort of deadline to this madness. How long will I ride this particular roller coaster? Cause that's what it feels like. Do I want to get off this ride? Should I want to get off this ride? Will it ever be more than just a ride?

This Ni**a part 5

So I called the CAPTAIN this morning we like to do this good morning thing that we kinda got away from because of the Mayassacre. I miss my good morning boo ish. Anyway we start having this discussion about Barack YES WE CAN Obama. Yea!!!!!! and his wife Michelle's relationship. I was so juiced when I saw her give him dapp before his speech on Tuesday.
Anyways we were talking about the love and how HE admires their relationship and what not and I was impressed that somebody else was vibing off the "Black Love" and then he says some ish that just shook me. So after all this time I'm starting to think we are on different paths. I have explained in earlier posts how I LOVE LOVE LOVE this man,( or maybe I haven't but I mean too!) and I am trying to show him but I guess I really shook him with the no talking thing. So he has really taken some steps back from me. I so feel it in his conversation with the things he says to me. I've been shook all day.

P.S still enjoy the example of "BLACK LOVE" at 0:53

So he called on Sunday after my rant at 6:30pm. It changed EVERYTHING! I realized then that I am a loonatic. I will elaborate more later.

This Ni**a part 4

I' m sad today. I cry a lot when I PMS. I am two days from Aunt Flo so I am TRIPin. I still have not talked to him. I think its been long enough. Why we both have to be so childish? I'm not sure if it's even worth the drama. I HATE that I love this man I HATE that I have invested so much time an effort. What about me? What should I do?

This Ni**a part 3

So now he not talking to me! I called him this morning and he said he was in a meeting and would be calling back. But he didn't. So today I felt like being some other chick so I called more than once. He did not answer so now I'm pissed. Let me give you the back story. So two weeks ago he pissed me off and I did not take his calls for 3 days. He was frantic leaving messages called the house, questioned his mother (were friends) etc. So I finally texted him then I called. I was tripping about two things and didn't really convey to him what Iwas pissed about. So our conversation ended with him thinking it was some work sh*t. But it wasn't. It was sooooo totally him. Fast forward a week. He pissed me off again so I stopped taking his calls he only called three times then he left a message saying he would not be calling me again. And he didn't. So I tried to be on some pimp sh*t and not call him either but I began to miss him too much so after a week I caved and called. I think doing the childish sh*t damaged my spot. He thought I was different and I really am but here I am doing the kiddie stuff I be telling my friends not to do. So now he is not talking to me and I really can't be mad at nobody but myself cause I started it. He bringing down my Carrie high!

This Ni**a part 2

So today we had this long conversation about his problems. My heart totally goes out to him when we have these heart to hearts. I try to offer solutions because part of my problem is I'm a fixer. I am always trying to fix other peoples sh*t even to my own detriment. The other side of my brain knows that half the stuff he complaining about he brought on himself! So I am torn, I want to help him because I love him but then he is reaping for all the dirty sh*t he did to me! That's what's crazy! I still love him and want to help with some sh*t he did to me!?

This Ni**a right here!

Welcome to my blog! I need a place to vent about my crazy relationship with my dude, fella, guy, boyfriend, homie, lover, friend.

Right now I am mad as hell! Ever feel like you being played? That's how I feel today. The worst is being played by someone with NO GAME! What does that say about me.? Too damn gullible that's what. This pretty much sums up this ISH!

Ex-factor
It could all be so simple
But you’d rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity see
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can’t stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity see
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Hook:
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain’t workin’
It ain’t workin’
And when I try to walk away
You’d hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can’t be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I’ll let go too
’cause no one’s hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

Repeat hook

Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you’d be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you’d die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won’t you live for me