Gorgeous Ponderings...

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

This Ship has sank..... insert sad face here :(

This post contains 3 different  posts that I wrote regarding my break up with theCaptain. We broke up after ANOTHER stupid argument which involved his family this time. To say I can't stand some of them is an understatement! If you care to look back at any of my old posts regarding him you can tell that our relationship was a hot mess. Up and down, back and forth, a real roller coaster. I initially started this blog to chronicle the ridiculousness.

Everytime I wrote a post and thought about posting it. I felt this overwhelming sadness and I couldn't breathe for a minute. Then the tears.

What really started to get to me was seeing other successful relationships around me and mine being successful one day and unsuccessful for 3 days, a week, 3 weeks etc. I just got tired of fighting.

I don't want to bash him because he was FUN!! When we weren't fighting we had a ball together. And I really love this man. I realized where I made my mistake with him. I would act really childish when he made me mad. The silent treatment is not effective in wanting to change someones behavior unless you're married and cohabiting! At least it didn't work for me. Okay it did work at first but it's effectiveness wears off.

Post One:
As painful as this has been I didn’t want to dedicate a whole post to it. Then I felt that adding it to a TT was not compassionate enough. There won’t be anymore theCaptain posts because we broke up for good in October. There I said it! Whew that was hard! We had been sort of ending since Sept. To keep it all the way real with ya’ll he is not husband material right now. He will probably make a woman really happy one day, and has the potential to be but... Oh yeah AND his family is crazy! the only bash.

Don at Minus the Bars had some good idea/bad idea’s that fit here.

Bad idea: to compromise your happiness

Bad idea: trying to force something that doesn’t fit

and even a tumblr on his blog said Never settle for less than you deserve

all of these where on the same day in the same week we were breaking up. I mean really! Don

That’s why I need a new blog name! My blog name became really apropos *sad, sad, sad face*
:(((((((( And I don't need the constant reminder…



Post Two:
Him: So you really mad at me huh?

Me: It’s more than mad I’m just tired.

Him: tired of what??

Me: THIS! I want more than this!

Him:  Man you trippin“THIS” is cool to me?!?

Me: Exactly “THIS” is cool to you

Him: What???

Me: *sigh*

Him: I thought I came over here to talk?

Me: Then talk!

Him: *glares at me*

Me: I’m not good with this stuff. I love you but I don’t want to do this anymore

Him: silence

Me: silence *tears*

Him: Ah hell you breakin up WITH ME????

Me: *more tears* I never responded

There was more but you get the gist. When he left we were semi-broken up. But to keep it all the way real he tried a little. He brought stuff by, he called me, I called him, we went to the movies, and out for a walk, out to eat and.... well you know.
It just no longer felt right.  He told me if he was ready to get married it would be me. I think if he wanted me he wouldn't let me go and if marrying me was what it took... *Sigh* But then who wants that?? I want a man to want to marry me, ask me, and give me this.

Post Three:
 
Pain: We finally broke up, parted ways, ended. This relationship has been so toxic and I can’t ignore this fact anymore.

Fear: Whose gonna love me now???? Lots of tears here really afraid that I will be alone forever with no one to love me.

Discouragement: I gave sooo much to this relationship! I was done, He was the ONE (for me?) or so I thought?

Disappointment: Alone again? I have to start this process over again with another man?!? Why can't I just find one or one find me, that just loves me??


So there you have it.

15 comments:

Jameil said...

I'm glad you recognized it was a toxic situation and got out. Waiting around for a guy to become marriage material rarely works. Whether it's because he gets sick of you trying to change him or you get sick of waiting for him to change, in the meantime, you're wondering why it's taking him so long to grow up. And what if it takes forever? Then you're pissed that you've "wasted" all this time. The silent treatment never really works. What's the purpose? So he knows you're mad? He already knows that. We tend to idolize our relationships. If you're bad for each other, he wasn't the ONE for you. As daunting as re-starting is, once you're in a non-toxic relationship, you'll never want to go back!

Bajan Beauty said...

*BIG virtual hug*

I am so sorry you had to go through this, but I am glad that you recognized that you deserve better. For some people that is the hardest part.

Healing from a breakup is definitely a process, but as time goes on you will feel right as rain. (I tried to make you laugh, did it work? lol)

Seriously, God had has a plan for you and all will be relieved. Just make sure you continue to believe in his ability. Remember not everyone is ready for what YOU have to offer them.

South Loop Social Light said...

Just so you know, the silent treatment doesn't work at all. I'm married and I think the best way to handle issues is by discussing them with one another. Of course you may need time to cool down and should know when to give one another space, but I've seen a few people use the silent treatment and have it back fire on them.

P.S. I love this... said...

*Hugs*

I felt your anguish and still lingering sadness.. so sorry. I won't write anything cliche because I really hate that.. I will just say, it gets better. It really and truly does.

GorgeousPuddin said...

Thanks everybody for your comments, you are really making me feel hopeful! :)

mamasez said...

Heart to Heart: I feel your pain and I am sooo sorry for the breakup.

Mind to Mind: YOu are ready to have the love you deserve: without the off and on, without the second guessing and without his family.

Soul to Soul: The love of your life is out there for you. He will find you and you will be blessed by knowing he is yours henceforth and for ever.

Hugs and Kisses,
Smooches~

Thoughtsofsoutherngal said...

(((HUGS)))

~Mommy+Me~ said...

I think it was good for you to get that off your chest. I think it will help the healing process. It goes back to what we talked about, being patient....there is a master plan and there is someone out there. The real ONE for you and it will happen when it's supposed to. Relationships are a lot of work, even good ones, but it sounds like there was a definite inbalance there. And you clearly had been unhappy for a long time. The right one will come along and it will most likely be when you least expect it! Keep your head up! :)

Nexgrl said...

I'm sorry that this is how your story has turned into a bumpy ride. It takes time, but it does get better.

Ladynay said...

Don't know what everyone else has said, but I'm sure all the stuff that came to my head has been said.

*internet love*

Mourn, breathe, then get up and keep moving honey!

AR Gal said...

Awwwww, GP.....(((HUGS)))

I've been down ridden that love rollercoaster before. The high's are great and the lows....well you know. That shit hurts like no other. I'm glad you found the strength to put you first.

☆Reese said...

*realllllly huge hug* Love ya honey! I don't want to say anything cliche...so I'll just say..I'm here.

K. Rock said...

Awwwww. It'a always sad to see a relationship go under. I know it sucks.But try to stay positive. Life and love will go on.

GorgeousPuddin said...

Again thanks everybody for your kind words! I'm feeling better about IT now but I still have my days and the holidays were torture! but I made it through. I am hopeful that real love will find me!

Thanks again!!

(((HUGS BACK)))

kisz4tj said...

I understand your hurt. I agree with Jameil. We have a tendency to romanticize what is not meant for us. :side at me: You'll be good. After my divorce, christmas was awful. Over the years, I've learned to NOT relive every great moment, followed up by replaying the hurt. That never lends itself to true healing. You want real healing.