Wednesday, January 26, 2011
This Ship has sank..... insert sad face here :(
Everytime I wrote a post and thought about posting it. I felt this overwhelming sadness and I couldn't breathe for a minute. Then the tears.
What really started to get to me was seeing other successful relationships around me and mine being successful one day and unsuccessful for 3 days, a week, 3 weeks etc. I just got tired of fighting.
I don't want to bash him because he was FUN!! When we weren't fighting we had a ball together. And I really love this man. I realized where I made my mistake with him. I would act really childish when he made me mad. The silent treatment is not effective in wanting to change someones behavior unless you're married and cohabiting! At least it didn't work for me. Okay it did work at first but it's effectiveness wears off.
As painful as this has been I didn’t want to dedicate a whole post to it. Then I felt that adding it to a TT was not compassionate enough. There won’t be anymore theCaptain posts because we broke up for good in October. There I said it! Whew that was hard! We had been sort of ending since Sept. To keep it all the way real with ya’ll he is not husband material right now. He will probably make a woman really happy one day, and has the potential to be but... Oh yeah AND his family is crazy! the only bash.
Don at Minus the Bars had some good idea/bad idea’s that fit here.
Bad idea: to compromise your happiness
Bad idea: trying to force something that doesn’t fit
and even a tumblr on his blog said Never settle for less than you deserve
all of these where on the same day in the same week we were breaking up. I mean really! Don
That’s why I need a new blog name! My blog name became really apropos *sad, sad, sad face*
:(((((((( And I don't need the constant reminder…
Him: So you really mad at me huh?
Me: It’s more than mad I’m just tired.
Him: tired of what??
Me: THIS! I want more than this!
Him: Man you trippin“THIS” is cool to me?!?
Me: Exactly “THIS” is cool to you
Him: I thought I came over here to talk?
Me: Then talk!
Him: *glares at me*
Me: I’m not good with this stuff. I love you but I don’t want to do this anymore
Me: silence *tears*
Him: Ah hell you breakin up WITH ME????
Me: *more tears* I never responded
There was more but you get the gist. When he left we were semi-broken up. But to keep it all the way real he tried a little. He brought stuff by, he called me, I called him, we went to the movies, and out for a walk, out to eat and.... well you know.
It just no longer felt right. He told me if he was ready to get married it would be me. I think if he wanted me he wouldn't let me go and if marrying me was what it took... *Sigh* But then who wants that?? I want a man to want to marry me, ask me, and give me this.
Pain: We finally broke up, parted ways, ended. This relationship has been so toxic and I can’t ignore this fact anymore.
Fear: Whose gonna love me now???? Lots of tears here really afraid that I will be alone forever with no one to love me.
Discouragement: I gave sooo much to this relationship! I was done, He was the ONE (for me?) or so I thought?
Disappointment: Alone again? I have to start this process over again with another man?!? Why can't I just find one or one find me, that just loves me??
So there you have it.