Changing Focus (me)

So I called myself getting on the treadmill last night. I only did ten min. But it's a start I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I'm on course to lose my 15 this month.

Now I need to focus on being healthy. My family has a history of all the major diseases that plague African Americans, and so far I have been blessed NOT to have any, but other close family members do. I feel like a target and at any moment I might get stuck. I was thinking after my 15 pounds I might go for 15 more! That would be thirty pounds. If I went for 15 more after that I would be officially super skinny. I wonder what that would look like?

Obama!!!!!

So Obama spoke on Father's Day and his speech was the ish to me!
I loved it.

It is so totally time out for father's to NOT be there for their kids. You was getting the goodies and it was all good until she said I'm preggs. Fathers stand up take care of your kids. Help son's be men! Show daughters how real men are supposed to be!

Changing Focus (Me)

So anyway I messed around and waited until almost summer to try and lose some weight. I hate being fat when it's hot. Being stressed out has helped some. I started my diet 6/1 and I have lost 7 pounds so far. Mostly or all water weight. The real work starts now!
I am trying to lose 15- 20 pounds.

I got a ways to go to look all the way right in my short shorts for the summer. But I am going for it. I'm thinking about doing some new new shyt like Pilates or Bikram yoga. I have too exercise! I hate my body type but love my body. It just takes a LOT of work to keep it tight. First off I'm short and I gain weight all over. The plus is I also lose weight all over. It's a blessing and a curse too have big everything. A big butt, hips, and chest can look a hott azz mess when it's all connected LOL! Like a big round ball. So I have too keep my weight down to keep my waist right so everything is well defined. Anyway so I'm on a diet

The Stand off! con'td

So I have not heard from him since Friday. Of course I'm not calling! He said some mean shyt to me. Mind you I said some mean shyt first and back to him. But I am still more hurt I think. I am curious to know the outcome of all this. I have been a praying fool. I need prayer just to get through the day. I mostly pray for peace and strength. Peace so my imagination won't go crazy and strength for my heart. Why do people hurt people they say they love? He said he loved me even while we were fighting. Why can't I believe him anymore? What does love mean to him? I wish I knew!

The Standoff part 2

So he surprised me. He digested his earful quicker than I thought. He called all bright and early at 7am wanting to know what's going on. Ni**a you know. You know you trying to take me through some boolshyt that I ain't trying to go through. I'm so mad right now! That fool had me crying on the phone and I hate appearing weak. Let the games begin. he is going to have to do some REAL SHYT to get his spot back! He knows I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo pissed off and hurt right now. We were arguing like some hot headed nuts. All loud an ignorant. At least I was still at home. He all at work showing his ass like that. I am so damn mad!!!!!! F**K Him!!!!

Addicted to Porn LOL!

So I read this article today this guy said he is addicted to porn not porn-porn but property-porn (is there such-a-thing?) He is addicted to looking at other peoples property on the internet. So it got me thinking about my addictions.

1. shoe-porn I am a total shoe-porn addict I am addicted to looking at shoe websites and imaging myself in the shoes. Then I can't wait to buy them.

2. clothes-porn see above.

I thought his revelation was very funny and insightful. What is your porn fetish?

See we all change up when we mad!

This ish is funny as hell! A bug flew in his mouth while he was reporting! He reminds me of my uncle from the SIP(Mississippi)




EMBED-Bug in Mouth Brings Out the Street in Reporter - Watch more free videos

The Stand off!

So I left a message on his phone. I know that was a coward move but I needed to say everything I needed to say without interruption or getting tongue tied. So I cleared my conscious and said everything I needed to say. I actually feel better. Nobody likes to be played for a fool. So I already know he is NOT going to be talking to me until he digests his ear full.

This Ni**a part 6 (Stop making a FOOL of me!)

So we went on the date. I already knew before we left that it was not going to be a good day. I have been having issue with him not respecting my time. I believe if you tell someone you are going to do something you should do it. Anyway he was late and that just irked me because we have not been in a good place. So we walked around some local spots went to a few stores ate some food. But as I said it just did not feel right. It was really hot on Saturday so trying to stay hydrated and enjoy the day was a challenge in it self. We both get attitudes when it's hot!

So now we are at a cross road. Me trying not to react like I normally do and break up with him. We have done this so many times. But this is my last year! I am firm about that. I decided that 2008 would be the last year that I give of my time, my space, my kindness, my body etc. to this situation.

I will have truly and completely given and said all that I can. Part of me is sad because I struggle with when did I become this chick. I used to be really confident and would not take ish from anybody. But I guess in my journey and as I continued to end back up at the beginning of THIS. I became weak and now I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I have wasted all this time and may end up alone because I never let go of the past.

I told him that I know him and I know how he is. I was choosing to be involved with him again. But nobody wants to be mistreated. I felt him slipping away(acting different) after the issue a few weeks back.

I HATE that I love this man. Part of the problem is that I am too intuitive and I KNOW when he is acting a FOOL.

Not Just A Fool in Love an Educated Fool

So just to give ya'll a lil more info about me. I'm a college educated(B.A.) woman with a degree from a major university, working in academia pursuing my dream of being a college professor by going to school and also working in education.

I have wanted to be a professor forEVER! But I got side tracked by life and love. I am trying to get back on track but somewhere along the line I got scared. I realized that I am actually scared to be successful. That has to be why I continue to procrastinate. I am always encouraging others to pursue their dreams but when it comes to mine I get paralyzed.

How does one recover from paralysis? I have applied to schools I even got in and never went. I have went to information sessions, filled out applications, paid the fees, talked to counselors, admissions reps etc. all to just STOP before I get started. I plan to really do it this time (I have said that so many times before).

cont'd This Ni**a part 5

So after being jacked up all day from HIS morning conversation. I decided we have to talk. I know men hate when you say we need to TALK. So on my date on Saturday (yeah I'm still going) I going to just start talking. I need to tell him how I feel well mostly how I express love So maybe if he has a clear understanding of where I'm coming from we can move forward or not. I think I need to put some sort of deadline to this madness. How long will I ride this particular roller coaster? Cause that's what it feels like. Do I want to get off this ride? Should I want to get off this ride? Will it ever be more than just a ride?

This Ni**a part 5

So I called the CAPTAIN this morning we like to do this good morning thing that we kinda got away from because of the Mayassacre. I miss my good morning boo ish. Anyway we start having this discussion about Barack YES WE CAN Obama. Yea!!!!!! and his wife Michelle's relationship. I was so juiced when I saw her give him dapp before his speech on Tuesday.
Anyways we were talking about the love and how HE admires their relationship and what not and I was impressed that somebody else was vibing off the "Black Love" and then he says some ish that just shook me. So after all this time I'm starting to think we are on different paths. I have explained in earlier posts how I LOVE LOVE LOVE this man,( or maybe I haven't but I mean too!) and I am trying to show him but I guess I really shook him with the no talking thing. So he has really taken some steps back from me. I so feel it in his conversation with the things he says to me. I've been shook all day.

P.S still enjoy the example of "BLACK LOVE" at 0:53

What his name means

So I put his name in and this is what it said. This ish is so accurate it's scary I'm gonna text him and let him read. For all intent and purposes I will now refer to him as the Captain!

What Him Means

<!--[if !vml]--> <!--[endif]--> You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings. You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun. Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

My Name means this

I found this on a couple of other blogs. You put your name in and it tells you what your name mean mine was pretty accurate.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz/

What Me Means

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

He Loves me...maybe

So he came to see me at work yesterday at lunch time! I love it when he does that! He looked very handsome. New haircut and shave. He's taking me out on Saturday. He knows we have a lot of catching up to do. May was really messed up for us. All the not talking and what not. I hate to fight with him. I feel so forlorn it's ridiculous. I really love this man and have such hope in my heart today for us. But you already know something is going to happen and I will be blogplaining about it soon. Oh well all is well for now.

So he called on Sunday after my rant at 6:30pm. It changed EVERYTHING! I realized then that I am a loonatic. I will elaborate more later.

This Ni**a part 4

I' m sad today. I cry a lot when I PMS. I am two days from Aunt Flo so I am TRIPin. I still have not talked to him. I think its been long enough. Why we both have to be so childish? I'm not sure if it's even worth the drama. I HATE that I love this man I HATE that I have invested so much time an effort. What about me? What should I do?